Why I now weigh 3,786.25 pounds

It's indulgences like this one, I tell you with few regrets. What you see here was my second dessert course of the day, some delicious Jeni's ice cream on the left, and some of Bob's (local restaurant owner, chef, and friend) Death By Chocolate cake on the right. Oh, yeah: I added a little calorie-neutralizing whipped cream.

I expect that a year of dieting might restore my shape to something vaguely humanoid, but I'm no longer even certain of that. We'll find out.