Helpless, helpless

When someone I love is in pain, emotional or physical, I can't help but feel helpless. I assume most people feel the same way. I also can't help but want to fix whatever is causing the pain. I used to assume most people felt the same way in this area as well, but a lot of books and conversations have claimed that my feelings are more a male trait than a female one; I don't know.

When the person hurting is one of my children, however, I feel doubly bad. I assume most parents do. Sure, your mind knows that in many cases not only can't you fix the pain, you shouldn't even if you could, because the pain is a necessary part of growth. Your heart, though, hates to see them suffer. When a friend is callous toward them, a schoolmate makes fun of them, they don't win the prize they wanted, whatever is hurting them, you wince and hurt for them and often get angry at the source of the pain. All the examples I gave are ones that often seem small to adults, but they aren't, not in the hearts of our kids and not in our hearts when we were kids.

I don't think the pain you feel for your kids gives you any right to make the subject of the conversation be you. The focus should remain on them. I do, though, think it's right and proper to let your kids know that you take their pain seriously, that you remember feeling similar pain, and that you will be there for them if they want your help. If they don't, we also have to give them space.

Which is, of course, hard, because you have to accept that aside from loving and offering, you really are helpless, but so it goes.