Resident Evil: Retribution

You might reasonably ask why I would go to see this movie, particularly given its current RottenTomatoes critics rating of 30%. I have several answers:

• Milla Jovovich
• Michelle Rodriguez
• I've seen all the others (yes, really)
• Michelle Rodriguez
• Milla Jovovich
• kinda-sorta zombie-ish bad things
• much shit goes boom

Here are things I do not expect when I walk into a theater showing a Resident Evil flick:

• a plot that makes any kind of sense whatsoever
• physics or any other science actually working
• Milla Jovovich's actual face (as opposed to the increasingly heavily altered simulation of it that appears on her body
• enough of Michelle Rodriguez (although, to be fair, is that even possible?)
• zombie-ish bad things that obey any set of consistent rules
• acting--forget good acting; you can't go to one of these expecting any acting
• mediocre or better writing on any front

Having armed you with my reasons and the many things I do not expect, I can now give you this very simple review:

If you want to see this film for the same reasons I do, and if you are willing to abandon all hope for any of the things I do not expect, then you will enjoy this movie.

As, for the most part, I did.

If, however, you do not fit this profile, I suggest you stay home and catch up on your reading, or your DVR'd TV shows, or your saved-up DVDs, or your overdue toenail clipping.  Whatever.

Slower and less angry

Yes, I ignored all the reviews and last Friday night went to check out Fast and Furious. Why?

Two words: Michelle Rodriguez. I knew in advance that her role was little more than a long cameo, but I just can't resist her.

Plus, to be fair, we had fast cars and plenty of things going "Boom!"

To my surprise, the 9:40 show at our local theater sold out, and the 10:10 show, which we attended, was nearly full. As my friend, Alissa, a teacher who moonlights at the theater to make extra money, knowingly said, "People like them some Vin."

The film had a plot. It had characters, and it made sure we knew most of their motivations--and slyly kept vague the demons driving Paul Walker, as it would reveal them over time. The team behind this number-one-at-the-box-office feature carefully assembled all of the pieces.

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone in the theater cared about any of the characters in the film. Giving a damn about them would have required more effort than digesting the last Amazon cardboard box you received.

All that said, I went in expecting empty calories, dined on my movie junk food, and left having had a pleasant enough time watching fast cars and things going "Boom!" I am such a movie slut.

I just wish they'd given Michelle Rodriguez a bigger role.