Monday, September 17, 2012

Resident Evil: Retribution

You might reasonably ask why I would go to see this movie, particularly given its current RottenTomatoes critics rating of 30%. I have several answers:

  • Milla Jovovich
  • Michelle Rodriguez
  • I've seen all the others (yes, really)
  • Michelle Rodriguez
  • Milla Jovovich
  • kinda-sorta zombie-ish bad things
  • much shit goes boom
Here are things I do not expect when I walk into a theater showing a Resident Evil flick:
  • a plot that makes any kind of sense whatsoever
  • physics or any other science actually working
  • Milla Jovovich's actual face (as opposed to the increasingly heavily altered simulation of it that appears on her body
  • enough of Michelle Rodriguez (although, to be fair, is that even possible?)
  • zombie-ish bad things that obey any set of consistent rules
  • acting--forget good acting; you can't go to one of these expecting any acting
  • mediocre or better writing on any front
Having armed you with my reasons and the many things I do not expect, I can now give you this very simple review:

If you want to see this film for the same reasons I do, and if you are willing to abandon all hope for any of the things I do not expect, then you will enjoy this movie.

As, for the most part, I did.

If, however, you do not fit this profile, I suggest you stay home and catch up on your reading, or your DVR'd TV shows, or your saved-up DVDs, or your overdue toenail clipping.  Whatever.

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