Thursday, February 16, 2012

A generation passes

For most of the part of my childhood that I can remember, I didn't have a dad. Ed, whom Mom married when I was sixteen or so, arrived too late to ever really be my father.

Mom was my only parent.

And now she's gone.

In my family, the generational clock just ticked forward a notch. I have no parents, no grandparents; I am the senior one of my generation.

I can't honestly remember the last time I consulted Mom for advice, but it was always nice to know that she was there. I took her for granted in the way that we always do our parents; they're fixtures in our lives, people we can count on.

And now she's gone.

Tonight, I am very sad. I expect I will be sad off and on for some time. Life will resume its normal pace. I'll think of her and talk of her, and most of the time it'll be with laughter and love and the occasional "you know Mom" shake of the head, but sometimes it'll be with sadness, because I won't be able to call her the next day.

Tonight, though, it's almost all sadness. As awkward as hugging her always felt, I sure wish I had done it more.

Hug your parents while you can. It ought to be a rule somewhere.

I know there's so much funny and loving and good and frustrating and silly and powerful and just plain boring stuff to remember about her, as there is about each of us, but I can't get to those things right now. I can feel only the sadness.

I suppose that's natural and healthy, but it sure does suck.

Damn, Mom, I miss you.


Anonymous said...

There will be times you try to call her for at least the next tell her some speck of news...and without thinking you will pick up that phone in a hurried rush...and just as your finger reaches the pad, your mind will kick in and you will realize that you don't have that kind of long- distance on your phone. And again you will sad…much like today…But one day...down the will walk by a mirror...and you will finally "See" her will start to notice how she is alive in every crevice of your face...every twinkle in your eye...and maybe even a tad of your smile (Do you smile Mark?)...and this will bring you some comfort...your mind will find solace in this...and slowly through time...the pain will lesson...and you will always miss your Mother...but you will be able to stop feeling sad...and a lot of the emptiness will be gone because you will understand just how much she lives on through you. So do your thing today...let the tears flow...crying is cathartic…it empties humans and gives them reason to begin again (It also builds the immune system!)…we have had different experiences...but I do hope your pain subsides sooner than later.

Tom said...

Today the world is sad at its loss... tears are falling from the sky....

Tom said...

Today the world is sad at its loss... tears are falling from the sky....

Linda said...

Hey mark,
Never hear from family, so I randomly type in names to see what appears. Was sitting in a tech workshop when I read your blog. What a shock! I am so sorry to hear about Aunt Nancy. Was just giving the woman grief in December about not hearing from her. This has hit me as hard as my mom's leaving. Just talked to your brother. Please take care of each other.

Mark said...

Email me through the site so we can connect.


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