What teachers really think

In an email exchange with my friend, Lynn, I learned that when she was a teacher, her county circulated a booklet with advice on how to deliver difficult messages to parents. The teachers found the piece more than a little humorous, and as you might expect, many came up with their own little code phrases. She told me a few of the bitchier ones, and I liked them so much that I asked for more. In each pair, the bit in italics is the nice rendition; the regular type is the translation.

Enjoy...and don't complain to me if you see any of them on a report card. I'm pretty sure I got at least a couple of these when I was in school.

Your child is developing his social skills quite rapidly.
He won't shut up in class.

Your child seems to enjoy displaying leadership skills.
He's a mean kid who likes to bully his classmates.

Your child is very tactile.
He's stabbing himself with scissors and stapling his fingers together.

Your child has strong investigative skills.
He eats the glue sticks just to see what they taste like.

Your child has a vivid imagination.
He lies through his teeth.

Your child loves Show and Tell.
Our whole class knows that you have a nipple ring and your husband smokes pot.

Your child has a creative spirit.
He likes to make spit bubbles and stack them like pyramids on his desk.

Your child is very verbal.
He swears like a sailor.

Your child is very inquisitive.
Does he ever stop asking questions? No, I don't know why boogers taste salty.

Your child is in a period of growing self-awareness.
His hands are constantly down the front of his pants playing. I hope he gets warts.

Your child is learning about boundaries.
I will tape his legs together if he doesn't stop kicking his desk.

Your child has discovered his vocal abilities.
He scares the crap out of me when he makes his Exorcist noises.

Your child has his own unique style.
Please remind him to zip up his pants--and what the hell is that smell?

Your child is very confident.
He's a little bastard who thinks he's better than everyone else in the class.

Your child will someday be a strong leader.
He's cocky and arrogant and has no friends--and, by the way, his shit does stink.