Sarah's career goals

When you have a kid who's a senior in high school, you learn that people far and wide ask the same question: Where's she/he going to college? The kid, of course, often has not yet decided, so you stumble around for an answer.

Now that Sarah is in college, I've learned that many of those same people are back, but with a new question: What's Sarah majoring in?

I could grope for an answer. I could make up something sensible, such as, "Well, because she's just started she's focusing on getting core requirements out of the way and finding fields of interest to her, after which she'll select a major." I could try to stop the conversation with something unintelligible, e.g., "I'm not--squirrel!"

Instead, though, I decided to ask Sarah. Now, Sarah's not handy, so I had to ask her telepathically and rely on my superb paranormal skills and my deep psychic bond with my daughter to make the answers clear.

Her response was that she had decided not to pick a major yet but instead to take courses that would advance her top ten career goals:

10. To be the first person to prove that the key to extending the average human life span is to eat only beige food.

9. To develop computer software that can identify new bands before their members have even considered getting together.

8. To create an edible cure for the scarring of AP Euro.

7. To teach all the sound crews in all the world's clubs how to do a proper mix.

6. To lead a protest march from every state and every land to Duke and force the administration to give air conditioning to all freshmen.

5. To run and own the finest bakery in Florence--and then add a massive gelato window to its front.

4. To force all the world's Halo 3 players to bow before her 1337 skills.

3. To rise in the Rock Paper Scissor ranks to the ultimate rating possible: number two, behind, of course, her father.

2. To construct the first fortress capable of keeping a hardy band of survivors alive until every zombie on the planet comes to it and then falls victim to its laser-defense system.

and her top goal, of course, was and remains

1. To challenge and beat Brock Lesnar for the UFC Heavyweight Championship of the World.