Thursday, July 9, 2009

Top 10 solutions to my pants hangers problems

Since I wrote the entry on this topic, a few folks have offered very practical suggestions, such as shopping around for better pants hangers. Upon further consideration, however, I think stronger solutions are in order. Here are the top ten solutions still under consideration.

10. LAIBC - Large arrays of inexpensive binder clips. You know those big clips never let go of anything.

9. Make Sarah and Scott live in my closet and hold up my pants. The problem with this approach is that I have too many pants for the kids to hold all of them straight. Oh, yeah: They also might not enjoy the job.

8. Nail my pants to the wall. Todd left this idea in a comment on the earlier entry, but it's such a good one that I had to include it here.

7. Apply for Federal stimulus money for a research program into bringing pants hanger research and production back to the United States. I'm confident that with a $20M grant I could solve this problem. No more foreign hangers!

6. Send pictures of my troublesome hangers to Lady Shelley Sawers. She'll post them on her Facebook page, as she did the pictures of her husband, the incoming head of MI-6; millions of people will view them in the first few hours; and someone will pop up with a solution.

5. Pad the cuffs of all my thin pants. I could start a new fashion trend. Maybe I could be as cool as this guy.

4. Declare the pants hangers to be terrorist threats. In no time at all, we'd have multiple U.S. agencies working the problem, the NSA would be monitoring the status of all the pants hangers here and abroad, and Hugo Chavez would vow to make Venezuela the world leader in pants hanger manufacturing.

3. Sell ad space on my hangers to Google. They'd then give me custom hangers, get some staffers to invest a day a week in designing better and more lightweight hangers, and as long as they got to install cameras in my closet and choose what I wear, I'd be all set.

2. Tell the RIAA my hangers contain music from artists on their labels. My hangers would be the tightest things on the planet in no time! And, I'd make money from lawsuit settlements any time an unauthorized user touched my pants hangers--or my pants.

and the number one solution is

1. Stop wearing pants. No pants, no pants hangers, no problems!


John Lambshead said...

Have you considered a trouser press?

One of the most essential components of a gentleman's accoutrements as indicated in Sir Rodney Shevelton-Smyth's memoirs "Ten years up the Umpopo without a trouser press".


Mark said...

Perhaps I shall.

Why are both "Rodney" and "Umpopo" inherently funny?

John Lambshead said...

Good question - I think because of Sanders of the River. Unpopo is the epitome of the British African colony and Sir Rodney would be a Jolly Good Chap. Got a poor third at Oxford in Divinity so not one of Baliol's swots but a solid Ruggars Blue, a useful Silly Mid Off and the sort of fellow who always stood his round in the Junior Common Room.


Ticia said...

Things to consider should you go sans pants:

With pants: You are taken more seriously at meetings.
Without pants: You are taken more seriously at airports.

"Pants" means underwear in Britain.

In today's economic environment, do you really want to put more garment industry workers out of a job?

And finally, where will you keep your comb?

Mark said...

Great explanation, but I am positive that I did not get every joke in it.

Mark said...

First, the previous explanation comment was for John, not Ticia.

That said, Ticia's comment raises many good points, particularly the one about being taken more seriously at airports, which is a bad thing.

And none of us wants to think about where I'd probably have to keep my comb--much less my wallet.

Selina Dorsey said...

J.S. Hanger Deluxe Wooden Pants Hangers from Bizarkdeal

these hangers are absolutely the best i have gotten. i love the wood and the metal clasp on them , it has made it so easy for me to hang all my slacks and the jeans and keep them nice and neat. the hangers are very lightweight and they are not bulky like i have come to find with others i have purchased so you are able to use more of them and save lots of room in your closet. i like to usually air dry my jeans and with the wooden hangers they can hold the weight of damp jeans and keep them firmly grasped to where you will not have them slipping and falling to the floor and you having to launder them again. the metal hooks on the top of the hangers also will not bend allowing you to hang your garments and the hangers breaking and you having to purchase even more . they will save you a bunch of money because they are very durable and if you have clothing of different sizes the awesome metal grasp freely move on the rod allowing you to find the perfect fit for your garments. they will not become dirty but if so you can simply wipe them down, and the wood on the hangers will not break or wear out. i use these not just for pants but skirts and i have found they are perfect for all my scarfs . these are the best .


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