Things that piss me off:Fortune cookies without fortunes

I'm not talking empty fortune cookies, the ones you crack open in eager anticipation of the little slip of paper within and then sigh as you find them empty. Those are simply manufacturing errors, which I'm willing to accept now and again.

No, I'm talking the fortune cookies whose "fortunes" are instead homilies or, worse, boring assertions.

Hard work and perseverance pay off.

Not a fortune, but I've found it in a cookie.

Money is not the ultimate wealth.

Also not a fortune, but it's appeared in a cookie of mine.

I want fortunes, actual predictions of events to happen in my life. I care less that they are right than that they dare to predict.

If I was in charge of fortunes, you would definitely get predictions. I'd go specific, and I'd go funky. Sure, sometimes I'd opt for the easy ones:

Your hard work will soon be rewarded.

You will come into some money soon.

Your recent troubles will soon end.

Yeah, they're generic, but at least they're predictions, so I'd use 'em. I'd also, though, get specific and maybe take a few risks, even get a little weird at times:

As long as you bathe and play nice, you're going to get lucky within the next three days.

He'll buy you those shoes you've been wanting once you learn that new trick.

You might get laid every now and then if you ever treated her like a person.

That spot you've been scratching will get infected. Buy Neosporin.

Of course, the makers of Neosporin would have to pay for that last bit of product placement.

That opportunity you've been seeking at work? It's going to happen--but while you're out sick.

You're right that your partner is cheating on you, but the affair will end soon, and without disease.

Your diet will work, and you will lose the weight.

Yeah, I believe in being encouraging. Of course, I also believe in being realistic.

Your diet will work, and you will lose the weight, but then you'll put it back on within a year. Go ahead and have another cookie.

If any fortune cookie manufacturers are reading this, my services are available at a reasonable fee.