Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ask Dr. Efficient, the Love Guru:
Dr. Efficient Answers All, #3

Warning: The following is an adult entry. If you are underage or simply do not want to read about sex-related topics, stop now.

All opinions are those of Dr. Efficient.

Welcome to the third installment of Dr. Efficient's guest column. When last we saw him, he was headed to a Couples in Crisis seminar where he was the guest lecturer and lead counselor. Fortunately, we managed to catch him long enough to download these answers to reader questions.

As usual, all the questions came from U.S. women who chose to remain anonymous.

Why is porn such a rush??

Why don't you tell me, since you're clearly the porndog here?

This question is really three questions with different answers: First, why do people like sex? Second, why is a visual representation of sex (sometimes) an acceptable substitute for the real thing? And third, why are you taking so long in the bathroom? What are you doing in there?

The answer to the first question is recursive: You like sex because your parents did. That is the nature of natural selection, which has been ruthlessly selecting for creatures that are born to bone for about half a billion years now. Make no mistake: the gene pool is a shark tank. There have been lots of creatures born over the last 500 million years that didn't like to have sex. They died. They didn't have offspring. They didn't pass on their genes. And so, in Darwinian terms, their lives were irrelevant. Those creatures did not contribute in any way to your genetic make-up. You, dear writer, are the inheritor of five million centuries of genes that loved to fuck.

Is it any wonder that you think of sex more than anything else, all day, every day? Is it any wonder that you're thinking about it right now!?

Humans are willing to substitute porn for sex when sex isn't available because humans are visual animals. More of your brain is dedicated to processing visual input than any other sense. Other species would probably prefer the smell of sex, but humans, voyeurs that we are, like to watch.

Note that the visual substitution of porn for sex is similar to the even more common visual substitution of violence for the real thing. Humans have spent most of the last 200,000 years hunting daily for food and engaging in constant tribal warfare over scarce resources. Today, most people don't hunt or fight, but on some level we still crave danger and killing. We scratch that itch by watching horror movies and action movies or by playing video games. To satisfy our desire for love, we have romances. To satisfy our compulsion for sex, we have porn.

Take away all popular entertainment designed to stimulate those evolved biological urges, and all you're left with is C-SPAN. And you're not watching C-SPAN in the bathroom, are you?
Why do most men have the ultimate dream of having sex with more than one woman at a time? Preferably twins. Preferably twin cheerleaders. Preferably twin cheerleaders that are built like Pamela Anderson?


When asked about their favorite sexual fantasy, why do most men suggest a menage a trois (with two women and one man, not two men and one woman)?
Why wouldn't they? This is basic math. One slice of cake: Good. Two slices of cake: Better!

Men will prefer to have sex with two women at once because a man can do so and get both women pregnant. A woman having sex with two men will only get pregnant once, and neither man is likely to expend a lot of effort on child care since neither can be confident that the infant is his. Men don't think about getting women pregnant, they just think about fucking. They think about fucking because, as I mentioned earlier, their forefathers did a bang-up job of getting women pregnant.

Here's how the evolutionary impact of all this works:

My father is a devoted husband. He married one woman and has lived with her all his life. He's had two children. My sister, also married once, has had three children of her own.

Mohammed Bin Laden had ten or eleven wives, and somewhere around fifty-four children. His seventeenth son, Osama, had six wives. He fathered between twenty and twenty-six children before the Navy SEALS ensured he wouldn't be having any more.

And so, within a couple of generations, there's at least seven times as much of Mohammed Bin Laden's DNA out there as of my dad's. If Osama's siblings have all fucked as freely as he has, there's a hundred times as much of Mohammed Bin Laden's DNA out there. Now imagine what a million years of that kind of natural selection does to the human race. Is it any wonder that men like to spread the joy--or at least the joy juice?
I would like Dr. Efficient to explain to me how this beautiful girl doesn’t have a boyfriend.
She doesn't have a boyfriend for the same reasons that Wonder Woman and Buffy the Vampire Slayer don't have boyfriends: Partly because men are intimidated by strong women, but mostly because fictional characters don't get dates.

"Debbie" is a creation of wannabe Internet funnywoman Cara Hartmann, who's also created this video, in which she discovers that the effects filters on her shitty webcam let her make fun of conjoined twins, and this lame fake news story in which she discovers that Internet stock photography lets her make fun of Stephen Hawking. At least in her "eHarmony Video Bio" she's moved on from making fun of the physically disabled to merely making fun of the mentally retarded.

I think we can all agree that retards are fair game.

As long as you keep sending in questions, Dr. Efficient will return soon! Email your queries to me or send them via the Contact page on my site.


Ticia said...

My jaw is still on the ground. It took me hours to recover enough to even be able to articulate a reply and I still have no words. You have rendered me utterly speechless, Dr. Efficient. Utterly. Speechless.

Sarah said...

Demented. Truly demented.


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