Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Spam update

It's been about six months since I reviewed with you the lessons my spam is teaching me, so I thought it was time for an update. In this half year, my spam has mutated in some interesting ways.

For one thing, the spam community has decided I need wristwatches--and lots of them. I apparently lack for Rolex, Tag Heuer, and Breitling watches in particular, but the good news is that my spammers can solve my timekeeping troubles with budget-priced knock-offs that are every bit as excellent as the real things. Some will even sell me the brand-name goods at amazing prices.

German spammers have joined my fan club, and they, too, want to sell me hardware--but of a very different type. They want me to buy circuit boards, lots of them. Unfortunately, I don't read German, and all their messages arrive in it.

My Russian female fans have also adopted a new strategy. Now, they don't just want me to pay them to come here and date me. No, no; these are industrious women. They now want me to pay for them to come here and work at real jobs--and, as the spam notes, if we happen to end up dating, wouldn't that be fine? My company is trying to hire some people, and these women assure me they would relocate for very little cost, so perhaps we're mistaken in our decision not to move people.

Some of those same women are concerned, however, about the size and hardness of my personal unit. Again, though, these women are helpers: they will sell me pills, both soft and chewable, that will make me huge and as strong as steel. Even better, these pills are on sale!

Of course, some things never change: many other people share the concerns of these women, and they, too, are offering me heavily discounted pharmaceuticals. Some of those people even claim they are from huge drug companies, such as Pfizer. It's good to know that so many people are looking out for me.

My new favorite type of spam, however, is the government stimulus offering. The messages of this type all guarantee to hook me up with a big fat suitcase crammed with authentic U.S. dollars for me to use to grow my business. The Obama team has always used technology to its benefit; I think it's great to see them involving the spam community in getting out the good government word.

One last trend in my spam is one I've really appreciated at work: the pictures that arrive are now almost never of naked women. Instead, I receive many, many low-res photos of pills. At least you can see those in your email preview pane and not wince at your accidental HR violation. I do appreciate their consideration.

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