Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Things that piss me off: Glitter-covered cards

When a Christmas or birthday card arrives in the mail, I tend to think, cool! Someone sent me an actual paper card. So, I tear it open, check out the front, read the inside, and then even look at the back if the card is at all interesting. Most folks probably do the same thing. This approach works well for almost all cards...

..but not for those covered in glitter.

You touch one of those demonic creations, and your hand comes away covered in glitter. More falls onto your shirt, your pants, maybe even your shoes. If the light isn't good, or if you're in a rush and don't notice the glitter, then you start spreading it around your body and your surroundings. Glitter on your face. Glitter on your keyboard. Glitter everywhere.

You better hope you don't need the bathroom before you notice the glitter. If you do, you'll be sorry. Twilight myths to the contrary, some parts of you simply should not sparkle with glitter.

Okay, maybe they should if Angelina Jolie wants them to do so, but that's another topic entirely.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah: glitter cards. I hate those things. If you intend to make one, coat it in plastic or use some new nano-polymer to secure every single bit of glitter to the paper so that it will still be attached when the sun dies and the planet has frozen into an icy lifeless mass. Take no chances: Do everything you can to ensure that every speck of glitter stays in place.

Don't make me use my sparkly fists on you.

14 comments:

Dragonsally said...

Hair. Glitter in the hair is the worst!

Mark said...

Indeed. I don't know how I forgot that. Glitter in beards also sucks!

John Lambshead said...

Kave you ever seen the British TV programme - Grumpy Old Men?

John

J. Griffin Barber said...

Especially if your significant other knows that strippers sometimes wear glitter, not just cheap perfume...

Mark said...

No, John, I have not, and now I'm rather afraid to do so.

Mark said...

Good to know, Griffin.

J. Griffin Barber said...

Jeez, am I the only guy who

a) reads your blog slavishly and
b)knew the glitter on stripper thing?

Or maybe I am the only one of the above who has insufficient control of his inner monologue and just gave up a man-secret.

Ticia said...

"Fists of Glitter" should be a UFC match.

Mark said...

Ticia, I don't think so, but I do believe that would make an excellent event on America's Next Top Model.

Mark said...

Griffin, I think it's the inner dialog issue. Drat! The man secret is now out of the bag.

Cameron Moccari said...

Perhaps I should've taken notes from your post and not opened that last Christmas card right above my MBP keyboard...oops!

Mark said...

It definitely sucks when glitter craps up your keyboard.

Becky said...

Now I really want to send you a glitter card. hahaha

Mark said...

I await it with bated breath.

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