One big house

At a party earlier tonight, a very intellectual gathering, several of us were debating the relative merits of The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) and America's Next Top Model (ANTM). Some of the people in the discussion had actually watched both shows. I was participating from a vantage point of nearly complete ignorance about ANTM, because I've never seen a whole episode of it. Instead, in my commentary, I relied entirely on Sarah's reporting of it, filtered, of course, through my own inability to tolerate more than ninety seconds of it.

I suggested then what I have proposed to others (and possibly in this blog) before: If we want a blockbuster hit, we need to put all the models and all the fighters in one big house.

Think about the huge benefits of this approach.

First, the non-training scenes would be amazing. We're talking a house full of testosterone-crazed fighters and gorgeous models. Forget the TUF masturbation jokes; this place would need condoms in every room.

Second, the DVD sales would be through the roof, because though you could broadcast only the TV-M-rated bits, on the box set you could show it all. We're talking amateur porn, fighting, and modeling all in one enormous DVD collection. Pure money, baby, pure money.

The opportunities for new events are also huge.

Pose-offs for the men. With the exception of this season's heavyweights, these guys generally have great bodies. Make them learn to walk the catwalk, and dress them in thongs; women who normally avoid TUF would now give it a look.

Fights for the women. Pit the top two in any modeling event against each other in the cage; I guarantee you men would tune in.

For the finales, you go with cross-gender fighting by total weight and with clothing restrictions, say two or three of the women taking on each man, with high heels mandatory for all. The kinky crowd would not miss this.

Something for everyone, that's what we're talking. Okay, maybe not anything for anyone with any real taste, but fortunately most of America would still be in our demographic.

I clearly should work in TV programming.

Will Smith, want to produce my show while you star in my film?

Why don't you ever call?