Lessons from my spam

(WARNING: Adult language and topics ahead. Kids, stop reading.)

I receive an enormous amount of spam email, particularly at my work address. Most of it is due to the fact that the spambots trolling the Web find an email address that is a list that includes me, and then eventually my out-of-office message bounces and gives me away. Though I run a reasonably effective spam filter, I still scan through the list of messages it flags, because sometimes a legitimate request for information ends up there. From these scans, I've learned a great many lessons, a few of which I thought I'd share with you.

Many people are concerned with the size of my genitalia.

I honestly wouldn't have known. Until the era of spam, I'd always assumed (and sometimes bemoaned) that only a very small number of people would ever care about how I was built. It's flattering to instead learn that all over the world, people are interested in how I'm constructed.

My genitalia don't measure up.

The dark side of all of these discussions is that a consensus has emerged, and it's not good for me: I'm too small. Apparently, the smallest acceptable size is huge, the norm is gargantuan, and really, most men are bigger than that. I'm a sad panda.

I can fix this problem for a very low price.

Miracle drugs can grow me from the Lilliputian to the giant. All those discussions can and will turn flattering if I'll just buy any of multiple available medications, each of which is conveniently on sale for a low, low price that will be going up--like my size--any time now. Lucky me.

Many women will want me once I fix this problem.

As the spam assures me, women don't want men who aren't so enormous that sex causes screams of pain. Fortunately, once I buy the medications, I will meet that standard--and many women will want me. To be fair, the spam assures me that some women want me now--but only via the phone, at numbers the messages conveniently supply, and also at low, low prices that are going up, like my size, any time now. Again, lucky me.

Russian women really want to meet me.

Well, to be accurate, they will once I fix my size problem. Apparently, a great many of the discussions about my size have occurred in Russia, where I am, to my surprise, quite the hit with the ladies. That's good to know.

Enough for now. I need to order some pills and brush up on my Russian, which I haven't used since college.