Things that piss me off

Stores that make it hard for you to spend your money.

We've all suffered through them, but this time of year they're particularly annoying.

You're in a hurry. You rush into the store, are lucky enough to find the item you want after having to dodge only three salespeople, take it to the register, have your credit card and driver's license ready, and think you're going to escape unscathed.

Wrong. The ordeal is just beginning.

Clerk: "Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Did you see our special on [some damn crap you don't want]?"

"No, and I don't care. I just want to buy this and go."

"So that's all?"

"Yes."

"Would you like to save ten percent by signing up for a store credit card?"

"No. I just want to buy this."

"It's a great deal. You should try it."

"No. I just want to buy this."

Much fumbling of keys, scanning of labels, removing and/or demagnetizing of security devices, and so on. "Your total is [too damn much]. Will that be cash or credit?"

Waving the credit card that's been in front of the clerk's face the whole time, as well as the driver's license you've had at the ready with it, you say, "Credit card."

After taking both, the clerk says, "I'll need to see your id." Giggle. [I must now interrupt the narrative flow to note that if you're like me, that giggle is almost too much. It isn't amusing. It's infuriating. You're now wondering how bad it would be in jail. At least there's no shopping in the Big House. Back to the clerk.] "Oh, you already have it out."

No response this time; you don't dare.

And now, here's a special detour through Hell you probably don't have to take: Clerk stares at license for a few minutes, forehead crinkling with the effort of thought. Then, "Did you know your last name is 'Name'?"

Depending on my rage level, I either

* say nothing and scowl, praying that perhaps I have finally developed the power to boil the brain of another purely with my mind

* smile and say nothing, hoping the fates will reward the kindness of a smile with the power to boil the brain of another purely with my mind

* respond, "Really? I hadn't."

At which point, the clerk points to the card, begins to speak, emits the piercing giggle again--as you realize that it's the giggle, not your mind, that has the power to boil brains--and says, "Oh, that's a joke, right?"

Back to the pain we all share.

After much fumbling of cards and scanners, the clerk smiles at the successful charge and says, "Would you like a box for that?"

"No. I just want to go."

More fumbling in the search for a bag that's big enough but not too big--wouldn't want to waste bag space--and the clerk hands you the merchandise.

"And my credit card and id?"

The giggle. More boiling of your brain as key details about the plot of the new novel vanish in the heat death of irreplaceable neurons. "Sorry." Back comes the credit card.

"And my driver's license?"

"Oh, yeah." Back comes the driver's license.

One trip through hell complete.

Is it any wonder online shopping continues to grow?