My spam turns ambitious

Recently, my spam took a step upward in variety and ambition.  In a single hour on a Sunday, my spam offered to

Tell me the secrets only my DNA could reveal—and at a discount.  Oh, yeah, I’m in a hurry to send a DNA sample to a lab I’ve never heard of.  What could possibly go wrong?

Provide me the device I need to decide if my dog has bad breath.  Uh, he’s a dog; of course he has bad breath!

Put a new roof on my house.  Just did that.

When putting on socks becomes just too hard, help me with that onerous task with the magical sock slider.  I’m fine on this front, thanks, but when I’m not, I’ll be turning to my house’s sock elves.  What—you don’t have sock elves?

Check whether I have diabetes.  Also fine here, but thanks for giving me another chance to support crackpot science.

Back up all of my photos onto the capacious photo stick.  I’m sure the photo stick is lovelier than any of my other many backup systems, but I’m good.

Illuminate the night with a tactical flashlight.  Better than my Surefires?  I doubt it.

Fix my diet with a Nutrisystem program.  Oh, my diet has much bigger problems than that.

The real lesson here is clear:  I need better spam.