Ask Dr. Efficient, the Love Guru: Dr. Efficient Answers All, #7

Warning: The following is an adult entry. If you are underage or simply do not want to read about sex-related topics, stop now.

All opinions are those of Dr. Efficient.

For Dr. Efficient's seventh guest column, we had to interrupt him in the lab, where he was conducting sexual stimulation studies on willing volunteers. He graciously took a break from that grueling work to answer a few questions for us.

As usual, the questions he answers originated with U.S. women who chose to remain anonymous.

What positions are most effective to achieve the greatest orgasms for both partners? (No chandeliers should be involved.)

and

What do you consider the most effective sexual positions for attaining an orgasm for either a man or woman?

Well, for starters you're going to need about fifty feet of hemp rope, a block and tackle, and a master of Shibari, the Japanese art of bondage. You should be able to find all those things at Home Depot.

Or you could just ignore all that, because position doesn't matter.

Let's assume, for the moment, that any necessary foreplay has been dispensed with; both partners are in a relaxed and receptive state; and they've got the basic rhythm to do what needs to be done. They're down to the short strokes. It's business time. And when it's business time, it doesn't matter where their elbows are. It doesn't matter which way their feet are sticking. No, boys and girls, when a man gets his junk all up in that special someone's honeybox, what matters is: angle of entry.

Let's start by considering things from the woman's point of view, because getting a man to orgasm is trivial while operating a set of ladyparts is as complicated as the cockpit of the fucking space shuttle. Reduced to its barest basics, taking a woman to orgasm requires stimulation of at least one, and preferably both, of the G-spot and the clitoris. The key to hitting these spots isn't any particular position, it's fine-tuning whatever position you prefer to hit the angle you need and applying supplemental stimulation as necessary. Basic missionary position isn't great, but if a woman puts her hips up on a pillow that should provide the angle her man needs to get his shaft up into her G-spot. This is basic high school trigonometry, people. Add a little thumb-rub on the clit, and we have liftoff.

Doggy-style also generally offers good stimulation of the G-spot and is convenient for reach-around clitoral stimulation. Side-saddle can be good for G-spot contact if the gentleman's poon pounder hooks left or right. (Be sure to choose the appropriate side to match his political persuasion.) Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, or Lap Dance (seated in a chair facing one another, as I'm sure my readers are well aware) all provide some contact with the G-spot and give the female partner an opportunity to, in a ladylike fashion, grind her clitoris into the nearby available manflesh. If all else fails, girls, just grab stud-boy's hand, put it on your clit, and in a clear, firm voice instruct him to "rub here."

Men, on the other hand, are easy. And by easy, I mean total sluts. If you want a man to orgasm, you can do pretty much anything you want with his purple piledriver and he'll skeet all over you. For that matter, you can do nothing at all with his manly pleasure pickle and eventually he'll spooge. Men are like that. But men are also fundamentally lazy creatures. So the "greatest orgasm" for a man is just one in which he doesn't have to put forth any effort. To give your man the best possible orgasm, gentle readerlady, mount up into cowgirl or give him a blowjob. Don't worry, he'll let you do all the work, just like in the rest of your life. He'll be happy to lie back, close his eyes, and ride the orgasm train all the way to Spunksylvania. And remember, nice girls swallow.

So, is there a line between attentive and clingy that's somewhere discernible? Should I err on the side of ignoring boys if I'm uncertain where that line is?

Here's a simple two-step test for determining if you're being too clingy with your man:

1. Are you in his company?
2. Are you blowing him?

If you answered those questions "yes" and "no" respectively, then you're doing a good impression of Saran Wrap.

Men and women want different things from relationships, and in general women want a lot more commitment than men are willing to offer. Psychologist David Buss writes in The Evolution of Desire, "Roughly 41 percent of newlywed women and 45 percent of women married for four years complain that their partners do not spend enough time with them. The analogous figures for men are only 4 percent during the newlywed year and 12 percent during the fourth year of marriage.... [On the other hand, a] common complaint of married men, far more than of married women, is that their spouses absorb too much of their time and energy. Thirty-six percent of married men, in contrast with only 7 percent of married women, complain that their spouses demand too much of their time." Emphasis mine.

During our caveman days, women benefited greatly from having their men around to share food and provide protection. Male companionship meant that their children didn't starve and that they didn't get raped to death by neanderthals. For the men, the benefits of paleolithic date night were somewhat more limited. Hence the difference in biological imperatives. Even your question about the "line between attentive and clingy" betrays a lack of understanding of the male psyche: Why would a man care if you're being attentive? Is that going to help him get food, shelter, or sex? No. Your man wants to hunt, kill, roast his meat over an open fire, gorge himself, fuck you, and go to sleep.

On the other hand, this doesn't mean that you have to ignore boys, either. You just have to ignore the one you actually want. You see, luckily for you there's an evolved behavior that runs counter to the male desire not to be tied down, and that's sexual jealousy. As biologist Robin Baker explains in Sperm Wars, "World wide, it has been calculated from studies of blood groups that about 10 per cent of children are in fact not sired by the man who thinks he is their father." In evolutionary terms, this is an Epic Fail. Prehistoric men who failed to be vigilant and deter other men from their women suffered a double whammy: they failed to pass on their own genes and wasted their food and protection raising the children of other men. So find some other guy to flirt with. You'll find that your regular squeeze is suddenly much more...what's the word? Attentive.

On the other hand, there's always some small chance he'll choose to murder you and Mr. Flirtypants with an axe. That's a chance you take when you try to manipulate men by making them jealous. Good luck!

As long as you keep sending in questions, Dr. Efficient will return soon! Email your queries to me or send them via the Contact page on my site.