Ask Dr. Efficient, the Love Guru: Dr. Efficient Answers All

Warning: The following is an adult entry. If you are underage or simply do not want to read about sex-related topics, stop now.

I must also note that all opinions are those of Dr. Efficient.

On May 23, I announced this new feature of my blog. Today, we inaugurate both June and this column. We were lucky enough to catch Dr. Efficient between visits to India and his speaking engagements at the U.N. and the Kinsey Institute, so we now have his answers to three of our first questions. All came from U.S. women who chose to remain anonymous.

More answers will follow in later installments.

Why do men obsess so much about the size of their penises? Do they truly get penis envy? And, do they think we really care about the size?

While men clearly don't understand how women think, apparently women don't understand how men or women think. Allow me to enlighten:

1. No gentleman of my acquaintance has ever expressed the slightest concern over the size of his penis. I haven't checked, but I have no particular reason to believe that I've self-selected for a fellowship of monster-dicked alpha-male supermen. Yes, the volume of e-mail spam relating to penile enhancement suggests that there's a target demographic for such products out there somewhere. But I'd guess that demographic is the bottom percentile for self-esteem, if not penis size.

2. Freud believed that "penis envy" was the reaction of a young girl at the age when she became aware that boys had a penis and she did not. Remember how I said that men don't understand women? On the other hand, the movie Annie Hall contains this exchange:

Annie Hall: And then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?
Alvy Singer: Me? I'm, I'm one of the few males who suffers from that.

So apparently the answer to your question is, yes, men truly get penis envy, at least in Woody Allen movies.

3. I've been told by several women that they do care about penis size. If you don't, I'm sure that somewhere out there is a man with a micropenis that's right for you. Try contacting Woody Allen! Do not Google the word "micropenis"!

What foods should a man eat/or not eat to make his cum tasty?

I spend years reading the ancient philosophers. I master the Tantric arts. I study psychology, evolutionary biology, and the behavioral economics of mating behavior. But do I get called upon to shine a light into the dark corners of the human heart? Am I asked to explicate the complexities of mating behavior? No. Instead, it's all, "How can I make my boyfriend's spooge taste like he loves me?" Well, you can't, because he doesn't.

There are, however, some things he can do to alleviate the bitter taste of contempt in his baby-batter. Dairy products and beer are contraindicated. By the time they've passed through the human body and turned to boysauce, they've changed much the way they would if left out on a warm day. Conversely, fruits like pineapple or watermelon reportedly give your man's mangravy a sweeter tang.

But for a heavier, creamier jism, I'd suggest trying maple-glazed bacon. Everything's better with bacon. When life hands you bacon, make Baconnaise!

Why are men so clueless about what a woman needs in a relationship?

Men are simple, direct creatures. As such, they're at a complete loss in most dealings with women. If your man isn't giving you what you need, one of two reasons obtains:

1. You haven't been sufficiently explicit in telling him what you need. Men need clear instructions. Very, very clear instructions. If you tell your man, "I'm going to tell you about my lousy day at work. I want you to make supportive and encouraging noises. I don't want you to try to tell me how I could solve any of my problems. Yes, that's irrational, but that's how it's going to be," then you're probably going to get what you want. Otherwise, you're probably going to end up somewhat dissatisfied.

2. If your man seems to forget some of the algorithm along the way, you may not be making it worth his while. A man can follow almost any set of instructions that ends with him getting laid. "I'm going to tell you about my lousy day at work... and then I'm going to give you a blow job." Sounds more compelling, doesn't it? You certainly have my complete attention.

Dr. Efficient will return soon! To get him to answer your questions, email them to me or send them via the Contact page on my site.