Thursday, June 24, 2010

Alternating realities

I'm so tired I often dream of sleeping.

I'm so bursting with energy that on the morning walk in the blistering heat it's all I can do to stay with the others.

I stare into the mirror and see every gray hair, the white beard, the lines around my eyes, the fat body I've accreted.

I stare at the world and want to kick its ass, my mind pulsing and my body quivering with the rage of youth.

I listen, nod, and do my best to be wise, caring, helpful.

I listen, nod, and inside scream, want to kill, want to run.

I yearn for solitude, dream of flying to an island I've never visited and hiding in a hotel that will accept cash and never ask my name.

I wish I could love better all those who matter most to me, who deserve more and better than I have ever given them.


It's like that inside me, all the time, all the time.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your not alone brother. Most of us would never put it in writing like you just did. Man, I am looking at myself as I read this....Chris....

Anonymous said...

Did you get the new i-phone 4 yet? Did you ever get an i-pad? By the way, I'd like to come to the fireworks show but since I live in NJ that won't be possible. I am hoping to live the experience through the blog. Maybe video blog it? Have a great weekend....Chris....

Mark said...

It's good not to be alone.

Mark said...

Sorry you can't make it, Chris. We should have pictures, but I'm not sure about video; I'll have to look into it.

I did get the iPhone 4G, and I quite like it. Ditto the iPad. I love tech toys!

Anonymous said...

Ha, use your new iphone, only kidding. I guess your never really alone. You may think you are but when you have a loving family and good friends, your not. I hope you do a book signing in the New York area some day as I would really enjoy meeting you.....Chris...

J. Griffin Barber said...

Posts like this one are the reason 'Behind Blue Eyes' is a good song, regardless of whether it's The Who or Limp Bizkit performing it.

I often wonder what other people's internal monologue is, and now I know yours.

Ticia said...

I'm in awe of you for putting that out there. I'm very, very proud of you. I may not feel (consciously) the same level of feelings as you do, but what you say resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.

Mark said...

Thanks, Chris. I will hope to one day do a signing there and get to meet you.

Mark said...

I agree, Griffin, though I would say that's only part of my monologue.

Mark said...

Thanks for the kind words, Ticia.

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