Rules for attending zombie flicks

I like a good zombie flick as much as the next person, maybe even the next several people. Three of us went to see 28 Weeks Later earlier tonight, and I enjoyed it well enough. I didn't love it, mind you, for it had too many flaws and not enough heart for me to really fall for it. Chief among its flaws were that it didn't break any new ground thematically, its plot was more formulaic than I'd have preferred, and it often tried too hard to be visually arresting.

I left the film convinced of one thing, however, and it had nothing to do with the movie: we need rules for zombie movie attendees. I came to this conclusion not because of my companions, who were as normal as my extended family gets, but because of my encounters with fellow audience members. Here's my initial rule list:

Rule 1: You must look cleaner than the zombies.

I don't care if it's Friday night and bath day is still 36 hours away; take a chance, and clean up.

Rule 2: You must smell better than the zombies.

Okay, I don't technically know how zombies smell, but you get the picture...um, odor. See the advice for Rule 1.

Rule 3: Keep the videogame jokes to yourself.

The crack about how many damage points the zombies could absorb wasn't original when the first guy said it, but when the fifth repeated it, the joke officially smelled as bad as the zombies.

Rule 4: Unless you're better built than the zombies, your clothing should contain fewer tears than the outfits they wear.

I know how you guys feel. I love some of my tee shirts, too. Still, when the number of square inches of exposed belly passes your height in feet, it's time to retire that old favorite and break out a new(er) one.

Follow these four simple rules, and life will be better for all of us who attend zombie films.