Things that piss me off

On the long list of things that piss me off, one phrase stands bold and tall:

We're only doing this for your protection.

When a representative of a company says those words, they are rarely telling the truth. Here's one of my special favorites:

We're changing your credit card number for your protection.

No, scumbag, you're doing it to save your company money. If anything happens to my card, per my agreement with you I have a maximum liability of fifty bucks. You're nervous, so you're going to inconvenience me and make me change my credit-card info on approximately as many Web sites as there are atoms in the universe.

Today, I got to hear this one:

This new vial test policy is only for your protection.

No, you lying piece of crap, it's not. It's to protect your medical practice from possible lawsuits.

Ah, not familiar with the vial test? Let me explain.

Once every three weeks, I give myself two subcutaneous allergy serum shots in my left arm. I've been giving myself these shots for about seven years, first weekly, then after a while every ten days, then after another while every two weeks, and now every three weeks. I'll probably be doing this as long as I live. I'm okay with that. Prior to beginning these shots, I had severe allergy issues and a major needle phobia. Now, I have neither. I chose to give the shots to myself to save that most precious of assets: time. The ENT office I use would mail me my serum, I would send them a few bucks for postage, and all was well.

Until the vial test policy. The braintrust at some national otolaryngeal association decided it was no longer safe to mail the vials. As one dipshit explained to me--and I am not making this up--terrorists might intercept the vials and do things to them. Why target McDonald's when you could steal my allergy serum from the mail?

Now, each time you change vials--which happens every three months--you have to go to the doctor's office and have them test the vial on you (or in my case, the two vials). They do what amounts to a scratch test, then make you wait fifteen minutes, then check the size of your reaction.

Of course, you're in the doctor's office, and you're using up a nurse's time, so of course they have to bill you. I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

I've been taking the same exact mix of serum without a problem for about four years. Not one problem. So, today I had the vial test, and the size of the reaction area on my arm exceeded their standards. The nurse and I then had this lovely interchange, which I am also not making up:

Nurse: Wow, that must really hurt and itch.

Me: No, I can't feel it.

Nurse: Sure you can. Just look at it. It must really be hurting and itching.

Me: No, honestly, I can't feel it. No pain. No itch. May I please have my vial?

Nuse: I don't know how you can stand it. Maybe if I show it to you in the mirror you'll realize how much it's hurting and itching.

It went downhill from there.

The next step was to dilute the serum and try again. The nurse drew from the same bottle and started to inject me. I suggested she might need to dilute it first, she tittered, and then she did so.

Fifteen more minutes of dead time in the waiting room.

My reaction was one half of a millimeter too wide in diameter.

No serum for me.

I begged.

They had a conference call; I got to hear only my nurse's end.

No serum for me.

Now, I have to come back in about a week--when I'm likely to be out of town--and repeat this process.

Oh, yeah: Of course they'll have to charge me the same fee again.

The serum is worth all this hassle, but I hate every moment of this process.

Good thing it's all for my protection.

I am a great hairy beast

Remember my post on October 22, when I said I would not shave or trim my beard until I had accomplished three goals? Well, I'm still not done with them, so of course I have not shaved or trimmed my beard.

As you can see in this photo, the result of this unrestrained growth is that I am now a great hairy beast. (Yes, I know I also look like a psycho-killer fresh off a major hit of thorazine, but that's partly because I took the photo myself with my iPhone and partly because, well, I look this way a lot. Scary, eh?)

I have made progress. I've finished the first draft of the novel (and am well along on the second draft, which goes way, way, way faster than the first). I have done about half of the budget-box work. I have also completed four of the nine work goals.

I hope to finish the remaining goals by the end of this week.

To my surprise, a number of the women I know have said they preferred me with the longer beard. Though I normally bow quickly and easily to female opinion, in this case the excess facial hair is driving me insane enough that I will trim as soon as I can.

Until then, though, I will continue to morph into North Carolina's own Sasquatch.

Ten reasons I'll never have a job in the Obama administration

10. If someone asked me a question, I'd actually answer it. This behavior is death in any administration, Obama's or otherwise. Can you imagine me crafting debate responses? No way.

9. My stance on marriage: Not only do I support same-gender marriages, I support poly marriages. Any group of adults that wants to get married should be free to do so. They shouldn't blame me, though, for how it goes.

8. I'd raise gas taxes a buck a gallon to help pay for alternative energy development. We use an unfair amount of the world's gas, and we need to develop other fuel sources, so we should pay for it. I'd give a fuel credit to the poor so this doesn't become an unfair burden on them, but the rest of us would just have to suck it up.

7. I'd ask a Canadian band, Blue Rodeo, to be one of the groups that played at the inauguration.

6. A Federal law mandating the purchase and reading of my novels by every American student would probably be a bit much, but I wouldn't be above suggesting it now and again.

5. The media would find a way to see the contents of my DVD collection, and it would be all over. I mean, who owns both Blonde and Blonder and Poultrygeist? That's gotta be a crime in Mississippi or Alabama.

4. They'd never let me bring porn to the White House.

3. I wouldn't take any job unless I got to choose the White House music at least one day a week. What's the point of working there if you can't DJ the tunes?

2. I'd insist on UFC White House Fight Nights and an octagon in the building.

1. I'd demand that Thomas Keller be White House chef, and they can't afford him.

Guest blogger David Drake on the Republican party

I'm not a Republican and never have been. That said, for many years when someone asked me my political leanings, I would say that I was a social Democrat and a fiscal Republican. The latter description began to lose meaning under Reagan, and George W. Bush demolished any sense the words might have managed to retain. I mention this by way of an intentionally roundabout introduction to today's entry, a piece by guest blogger, friend, and leading SF writer, David Drake. Dave wrote the piece below, showed it to a few friends, and wondered in email about where to post it. I think it deserves exposure and offered to post it here. Dave decided to go for it, and for your consideration, here it is.

WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH MY PARTY?

The title comes from the question plaintively asked some months before the 2008 presidential election by a friend who's a businessman. Like me he's well on the wrong side of Fifty, and like me he was raised a Republican. I think we'd both describe ourselves as conservatives (note the small c).

Max Hastings, a right-wing British journalist, put it in a slightly different fashion when he noted during the campaign (I'm paraphrasing) that the Republicans had become the party of the poorly educated, superstitious, and rural. You only have to listen to one of Sarah Palin's campaign speeches to see that he has a point.

The Republican Party my friend and I identified with was the party of business. Republicans were neither exciting nor cuddly, but you could trust the economy to them and expect them to avoid foreign military adventures. We liked Ike.

In 1983 I became rewrite man for Newt Gingrich on the book which became Window of Opportunity. Newt is a very smart, very dynamic man; working with him was both an honor and an education.

In the course of our first meeting, Newt told me that he was going to engineer a Republican majority in the House of Representatives. Thank goodness I didn't say, "Right, and pigs will fly," but I certainly thought it. I was colossally ignorant, though in 1983 most people would have agreed with me. The only smart thing I did during the exchange was to keep my mouth shut.

Newt continued to work from within to change the Republicans from a party of the elite and privileged (people like me, not to put too fine a point on it) into a real populist movement. In 1994 he achieved his end: Republicans took control of the House.

There has been quite a lot of movement since then, but not--from the vantage of hindsight--a great deal of progress. The House Republicans didn't seem to know what to do with their victory. Newt himself left the House and elective politics. His economic mantra had been, "Reduce the national debt." His majority spiraled into a wasteland of tax cuts and deficit spending.

The populist majority fell away, not so much in anger as boredom. Quite a lot of people dislike Bill Clinton, but very few would say that it was worth shutting down the government of the United States to delve into his sex life.

What remained isn't the Republican Party of Eisenhower (or Dewey and Taft): it's a populist fringe. It certainly represents a significant portion of the citizens of the United States, just as the Taliban represents a significant portion of the citizens of Afghanistan, but it isn't the business party, the Safe Hands party.

It's a party which has turned away from people like me and my businessman friend. And, though he worked with the fringes too in putting together his majority, I believe it's a party which is equally alien to Newt Gingrich.

It's a shame. I still like Ike.

Dave Drake

How awesome is this: Change.gov

Go to Change.gov right now; I'll wait. Please do come back, though.

Back? Good. How awesome is that?

I know, I know: It could all just be a tech-savvy publicity stunt. But, even if it is, it's a huge turning point in the use of the Web by candidates, because it's putting in front of the public a ton of information, all of which will end up on Google (and other) archives and be forever searchable, about what they plan to do, the transition process, and so on. You can even apply for a job in their administration. (No, I don't expect that to work for anyone, but I like the token nod they make by putting up a form.) Sure, the site is a way for them to put out their spin on key topics, but the mere fact that so much data is easily accessible and easily commented upon by anyone who feels like it (such as myself) is, to me, deeply cool.

I couldn't afford the likely pay cut, and I am probably one of the most unemployable men any administration could contemplate, and I have no relevant experience, but if I could be a speechwriter for Obama, I might just have to go for it.

And now, for no good reason other than that you can never have enough wild nights, let me close by suggesting you go enjoy the Wild Nights song/video by John Mellencamp and Me'Shell NdegeOcello.

Maybe it won't suck - and a guest reminder from Lincoln

I'm chugging along in Overthrowing Heaven, rewriting as I go, sprucing it up, making sure everything works together, and I have to admit that there is a tiny chance the book won't suck.

The reason I feel this way is that I'm actually enjoying what I'm reading. Of course, I'm more than a little afraid that this enjoyment is the kiss of death, but I have no rational reason for that fear; it's just how I feel.

Last night left me exhausted, so I'm going to keep this short and go back to work. I have a book to make better and PT work to do.

Before I sign off, though, I want to remind everyone, whether you voted for McCain or Obama, whether you're still ecstatic or fearful of what's to come, that we are all Americans, we are all in this together, and it's now time for us all to behave as such. I considered making this point at greater length, but I thought it appropriate to let the end of President Lincoln's first inaugural address do the job instead.

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearthstone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

Damn, Abe could write.

If you missed Obama's speech, go see it or read it now

You can watch it here on CNN.

You can read it here on CNN.

Consider doing both. An articulate President, one who can write and who works on his own speeches. What a thrill.

Consider this bit:

It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth.

He doesn't tell us who first used that phrasing; he assumes we know, as we should, as he should assume.

I'm still so wound up I can hardly stand it.

For now, for tonight, maybe for a little while, I simply refuse to be cynical.

Tonight, I don't just want to believe. I do believe. I believe.