Ask Dr. Efficient, the Love Guru: Dr. Efficient Answers All, #4

Warning: The following is an adult entry. If you are underage or simply do not want to read about sex-related topics, stop now.

All opinions are those of Dr. Efficient.

Dr. Efficient's fourth guest column finds him in fine form. Though he answers only two questions this time, this entry illustrates the breadth and depth of his prodigious experience.

As usual, all the questions came from U.S. women who chose to remain anonymous.

Being a Tantra master, you are aware that according to theory, sex can be sustained for many hours at a time. To be honest, I think my honey pot would turn into sandpaper. Tell me how this is attained without a man's veined beast being shredded into pulp?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, lube would be it. The long-term benefits of lube have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

To be fair, we should be clear about terms. While in America "Tantra" has come to be synonymous with "New Age granola sex," true Indian Tantra is a spiritual tradition similar to yoga. Tantra teaches spiritual awakening through postures, meditation, chant, and visualization. Some Tantric sects practiced Tantric sex, but even that was freakier than anything you'll find in, say, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex. To cite Wikipedia:

Sexual rites may have also evolved from clan initiation ceremonies involving transactions of sexual fluids. Here the male initiate is inseminated or ensanguined with the sexual emissions of the female consort, sometimes admixed with the semen of the guru.

Whoa! Emphasis mine. Be sure to bring that up the next time your over-sharing hippie friends tell you they're into Tantra!

American Tantra reverses the ends and means of Indian Tantra: Instead of sex being a mechanism through which heightened spiritual awareness is attained, we use traditional spirituality as a technique to attain better (or at least prolonged) sex. Indian Tantra is to American Tantric sex as traditional Christianity is to Catholic sex (in which you delay orgasm by imagining a disappointed Jesus discussing with your mother your spiritual and physical inadequacies).

In Tantric sex, a man delays orgasm by pausing in his thrusting when he feels himself getting close or by applying manual pressure to prevent ejaculation. As you mention, in theory this allows him to continue to rut for hours. In practice, a typical man will get bored and turn on the telly unless new partners are rotating in to keep him interested.

In the unlikely event that your man is able to sustain an erection with a single partner for hours, there's no reason why this should be uncomfortable for either of you assuming that you produce sufficient vaginal lubrication. Inadequate lubrication may be the result of sexual inexperience or a variety of psychological or physiological conditions. Try building up to multi-hour sex slowly, but if you're worried about turning your man's pork sword into pork sausage, try supplementing your special sauce with a little lube.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the lube.…

Why in God's name would someone want to fuck animals? And is it true the same [sic] men of a Mediterranean culture have special boots made for fucking sheep?

What freaky shit lurks in the hearts of men? Dr. Efficient knows. And by the time you've finished reading this answer, dear reader, you will too.

Let's start with the easy part. This may be difficult for women to understand, but men are Energizer bunnies of fucking. They're full of sperm as countless as the stars in the sky, and every second they're not sharing that sperm is a second that they're losing the genetic arms race. Men are cruise missiles programmed by evolution to deliver their payload of spooge as directly and as frequently as possible.

This is not to say that men are unselective. Men have strict preferences when it comes to sexual partners. For a heterosexual man those preferences are, in order from greatest to least:

* women
* everything else

Given freely available women, men will fuck women. If women are in scarce supply, men will share women or pay for sex. But if there are no women to be had at all, men will make do with what's available. They will fuck their hands. They will fuck pillows. They will fuck Fleshlights. In exclusively male environments--the army, prison, game development--men will fuck other men. And in rural areas where livestock is readily available, men will fuck sheep.

So to answer your first question, almost nobody wants to fuck animals. That would be sick. But sometimes there aren't any women around, and that skin flute isn't going to play itself.

The second question is a vile and racist canard. No, Mediterranean men do not have special boots for fucking sheep.

First, Mediterranean men have no exclusive affection for the sheep under their care. Hence the old jokes:

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear zippers.

and

Australia: Where men are real men, and sheep are scared shitless.

In Central Asia, authoritative sources report seeing Afghans laying pipe with a variety of ungulates. Esquire writer Brian Mockenhaupt reports hearing tales of "men having sex with sheep and goats in the deep of night. I first heard this from infantry soldiers and took it as rumor, but at Bagram I met a civilian contractor who works in UAV operations. 'All the time,' he said. 'They just don't think we can see them.'"

Wherever there are men and sheep, some of the former will be giving a hot beef injection to some of the latter.

Second, sheep fucking boots (or sheeping boots) aren't really "special". Any pair of tall boots will do. Their usage varies: Some sheeplovers prefer to wear the boots and tuck the sheep's hind legs into the boots along with their own. This requires a roomier boot. Other sheepfuckers just put a pair of boots on the sheep's rear legs, restricting its movement enough to prevent it from escaping the randy shepherd. The latter approach, using combat boots, is described in this harrowing (but non-Mediterranean) true-life account of sheepfuckery. I advise against reading it, but I know my advice falls on deaf ears with a hardcore perv like you.

As long as you keep sending in questions, Dr. Efficient will return soon! Email your queries to me or send them via the Contact page on my site.