Five changes I'll make if elected Pope

Sure, I'm not a Cardinal, and I'm not a practicing Catholic, but I was christened Catholic, so that's got to count for something.  Besides, a guy can dream, right?

So, on the off chance that this particular dream were to come true, here are the first five changes I would make as Pope.

5. Hold a special season of Project Runway, with the winner getting to design new uniforms for the Vatican guard.

4. Inauguration concert!  We're talking the Boss rocking Vatican Square as the headliner of a seven-day festival that will put Bonnaroo to shame. 

3. Vatican-logoed condoms.  It's time to acknowledge that the rate of Catholic birth demonstrates that condoms are a Catholic thing, too.

I kid you not:  as I wrote the above, the power in my house went off and my system rebooted, the UPS clearly failing in its job.  Maybe I shouldn't continue this post.

Nah, on with it.

2. Chuck Taylor limited-edition Papal tennis shoes.

1. Flames on the Popemobile!

Please note that this is simply humor and I mean no offense to Catholics.