Alternating realities

I'm so tired I often dream of sleeping.

I'm so bursting with energy that on the morning walk in the blistering heat it's all I can do to stay with the others.

I stare into the mirror and see every gray hair, the white beard, the lines around my eyes, the fat body I've accreted.

I stare at the world and want to kick its ass, my mind pulsing and my body quivering with the rage of youth.

I listen, nod, and do my best to be wise, caring, helpful.

I listen, nod, and inside scream, want to kill, want to run.

I yearn for solitude, dream of flying to an island I've never visited and hiding in a hotel that will accept cash and never ask my name.

I wish I could love better all those who matter most to me, who deserve more and better than I have ever given them.

It's like that inside me, all the time, all the time.