Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ask Dr. Efficient, the Love Guru:
Dr. Efficient Answers All, #9

Warning: The following is an adult entry. If you are underage or simply do not want to read about sex-related topics, stop now.

All opinions are those of Dr. Efficient.

In Dr. Efficient's ninth guest column, he takes on a question he thought he had already answered and then explores one that leaves him worse for the experience.

As usual, the questions he answers originated with U.S. women who chose to remain anonymous.

[In response to my last column] Uh, Dr. Efficient, am I correct in reading that last answer as: all men (who want me at all) just want me for a fun fuck?

Jesus, am I just talking to myself here? Am I writing these answers in Sanskrit?

Let's take it from the top. Men follow what sociobiologists call a "mixed reproductive strategy." That means that men are, contrary to popular belief, capable of long-term relationships. In our prehistoric past, children with two parents were more likely to survive than children with one parent. It's therefore adaptive for men to settle down, marry, and raise a family with one woman. Most men do exactly that.

It's also adaptive for men to cover their bets by engaging in casual sex with other women before and after marriage. Frequently men engage in casual sex during marriage. As Mark Twain wrote, "many men are goats and can't help committing adultery when they get a chance; whereas there are numbers of men who, by temperament, can keep their purity and let an opportunity go by if the woman lacks in attractiveness." A quarter of men engage in extramarital affairs while married; the rest fantasize about it.

So you're trying to figure out which category your man puts you in. Does he love you for who you are or only because you give him free use of your magic pussy that tastes like Guinness? The answer to this is exactly the same as if you wanted to know: does he love you for who you are or because you let him use your pickup truck? Stop letting him use the truck. Lock that cooter up tight! Demand significant investment of resources as a down payment on your future affections: an expensive ring, or (less traditionally but more practically) a nice flatscreen TV. Just forget that the sexual revolution ever happened and play all the games that women have played with men since the dawn of history. I can't believe that you need a man to tell you this.

But I'm wasting my time. You won't do any of this. You want to know what's going on in that ballsack your man calls a brain, but you lack the resolve you'd need to make to take his measure. You want to have your cock and eat it too.

No, all men don't just want you for a fun fuck. But you have no way of knowing who wants something more. Go have your fun. Like Mae West said, good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere.

In the making of a porn movie, people, known as fluffers, are employed to keep the actor's penis hard for his scenes. Are there also people that are kept around to keep the women juicy? What lucky bastards get this job?

Thanks a lot for sending me on a scavenger hunt through every disgusting condom- and syringe-filled gutter that the Internet has to offer. The answer to this question was not easy to come by. I have seen things that cannot be unseen. Contemplate, for example, the user reviews for the Mr. Marcus Personal Fluffer sex toy (a Fleshlight alternative!): "The Mr. Marcus Personal Fluffer is made out of the UR3 Skin material which gives it the feeling of real flesh. You will forget you are using a toy after a few strokes of this. I mean you couldn't tell the difference. At the time I ordered my first toy there was a back order so I was only able to purchase the 'Ass'. It comes in 'Pussy' and 'Mouth'."

Anyway, on to your question. Fluffers are, like elevator operators and lamplighters, a profession largely made obsolete by technology. A veteran explains in the rec.arts.movies.erotica FAQ: "If memory serves correctly, 'fluffers' were used more in the days of 8mm loop shoots where the camera rolled all the time to cut down on edit problems (not high-tech stuff then) and fluffers were used so the guys could jump in hard and get the job done."

There are, however, still a few fluffers practicing this ancient and honorable profession. In an interview at Nerve, porn star and occasional fluffer Hunter Skott explains, "Well, fluffers are only used for a gangbang or bukkake [film consisting primarily of facial come shots], not for regular movies. When more than ten guys are on a set, they're going to need that. One girl can only do one guy at a time. You know what I mean?"

Fluffing accidents happen:
Have you ever been too good and accidentally made someone come?
Yeah, that happens a lot, a lot lot.

Do you get blamed for holding up production?
No, not at all. Usually they can stop you, but it feels so good they go with it. So it’s their fault.
Which is why the Adult Video News story on "Buried Alive Bukkake" reports: "Although [Ron] Jeremy warned against cumming with the fluffer, one vacationer, a green shirt wearing guy named Fast Eddie, was poetically red-shirted from the event for dumping a load onto [fluffer Barret] Moore who seemed none too pleased by the surprise."

So are there people that are kept around to keep the women juicy? Hunter Stott says, "I wish. But usually the person you work with will go down there. If he has a problem with wood [getting an erection], that'll usually get him going again." And if not, there's always lube, which has to be cheaper than paying fluffer union wages.

Skott has one last parting bit of wisdom for the reading public.
What do you say to women who don’t like to give oral sex?
Become a lesbian. I know a couple of girls who don't like to give head, and I just can’t understand.
There you have it. I'm off to trepan my skull and pour bleach into my brain.

As long as you keep sending in questions, Dr. Efficient will return soon! Email your queries to me or send them via the Contact page on my site.

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